Day One- First Step

Quote of the Day: Eat to live, don't live to eat. -  Benjamin Franklin

After two miscarriages, I feel like I need to be pro-active. Maybe I am just trying to pass the time until we can try again or maybe I just want to think that some how if I make changes I will some how alter my fate. Whatever the reason I feel it is a way for me to grieve but also have these two miscarriage be a call to make changes in my life that will promote overall wellness and joy. Here are some of the changes I will try to implement.

1. Food intake= 60% fruit/vegetables, 30% Grains, 10% Protein
2. Drink 1/2 cup of tea daily
3. Drink 1 cup of fruit juice daily (not from concentrate)
4. Eat organic animal by-products (only 10% of intake)
5. Exercise at least 30 minutes per day
6. Limit/avoid foods with added high frustose corn syrup/ white sugar (goodbye ketchup : ( )
7. Don't eat food with enriched flour
8. Avoid processed food
9. Limit fried foods
10. Drink eight 8oz glasses of water daily
11. Take a multi-vitamin and fish oil supplements
12. Put laptop on a board/ pillow and not directly on my lap.
13. Eat sitting at a table/ sitting up.


These are just some of the changes I will be making. I will be adding new ones as I go. I am thinking about adding smoothies or juicing as well.

About Me

The journey to having a baby is not what expected. I expected JOY, HAPPINESS, and gaining weight. I was okay with the last part if it meant that a baby was going to be inside of me. All my life I have loved kids. Since I was little I wanted to me a teacher. I have been working with children as long as I could work. I was a babysitter, camp counselor, teacher, tutor, and now a speech-language pathologist. I have always wanted to help children have fun and learn how good life can really be. 

Last year in 2013 as my husband's 30th birthday loomed in the distant November, I decided it was time to have a little one of my own. I have dreamt about a lil one running around for years. Heck I had the names picked out since I started dating my husband back in 2004. It was time! 

In March when my annual exam came around, I decided it was time to go off the pill. At the doctor's appointment, I asked a sorts of the usual questions about pre-natal vitamins, how many times you should do it, when can I start trying, etc... The doctor said I could start trying right away, start taking the vitamins, and have sex every other day. She said, "just have fun".

Well, the first month went by and my period came one schedule. During the second month, we tried again but stopped half way through. My husband and I decided we were going to move back up to Massachusetts from Florida. We thought it would be in our best interest to keep trying after the big move...

Funny thing happened...when we put our house up on the market in June I realized that I never got my period in May. I think I didn't want to know because I was so stressed with both my husband and I finding new jobs, a new house, and moving over 1,000 miles away. Two days after our house went on the market it sold. That day I went and took a pregnancy test and it was positive! It was the day before Father's Day so we decided to wait a day to tell both families. 

We Skyped both families and asked the dads "So what do you want to be called "grandpa", "grandfather" or "papa"?" The joy on all our parents faces was priceless. It was going to be the first grandbaby on both sides of our family!

I felt very bloated all the time and was burping non-stop. Burps to me were the baby's way of saying hello. I would check all the baby apps to see how big the little baby was. What a blissful time.

Then came the big week! We were packing up our lives and moving to Massachusetts. I was sad to leave Florida. I loved the feeling of the sun on my skin and didn't really miss the snow. I know my husband really missed Massachusetts and I wanted my husband to be happy. He doesn't ask for a lot. I knew I would be happy as long as I would be with him. I was 12 weeks and pregnant as I packed my life away. We were going to let everyone know after we arrived in the great Bay State. 

Two days before the moving truck, my husband and I went to the doctor's to hear the heartbeat. We were so excited! The doctor's said everything looked good and she would do use a doppler to hear the heartbeat. She told me not to get upset if we didn't hear it, because sometimes it is not audible using a doppler. I wasn't too worried and just waited patiently as she moved the machine back and forth across my belly. After 5 minutes of searching, the doctor sent me for an ultrasound. I wasn't nervous, but rather excited I was going to see the baby. In the ultrasound room they had a big flatscreen so my husband and I could see what was in my belly. The tech said I would get a dvd to bring home with me. I could share it with my whole family. First baby. First ultrasound. I was beyond words.

Empty. 

It is amazing how one word can bring your whole world tumbling to the ground. There was a sac, but there was nothing in it. I was in disbelief. I didn't have any bleeding or cramping. How could the baby just disappear? This is not happening. I have felt pregnant. Why didn't anyone tell me this could happen? Why did I have no sign something was wrong? Why did this happen? What happens next?

It is ironic how not hearing a heartbeat can increase my heartbeat dramatically. We were brought into the doctor's office and she confirmed that I had a miscarriage.  She gave me three options: have a d & c, take medication to start a miscarriage, or wait for it to happen naturally. Since I was moving in 2 days and my husband was starting a new job our insurance was ending. The doctor said that if I went with the medication or wait for the natural route, I may end up having to get a d&c anyways. Therefore, I decided on the d&c and I had to get it the next day. 

The surgery went well. No complications and I was home resting. The day after surgery was the worst. I couldn't deal with all the emotions of the miscarriage, because I had to back my house up and get out by 4pm. We had the bright idea of moving ourselves, but I wasn't allowed to lift anything and was still very weak from the surgery. Let's just say it was an emotional, exhausting day. I had lost my house, my friends, and my baby. I remember calling my husband that night while his dad and him were driving the U haul up north. As the tears streamed down my face I begged him to be safe. I was so scared of losing him. I felt I lost everything else I loved and I needed him. I needed him to be okay.

Fast forward: December 2013
Pregnant again! I was sooooo excited. Life was good again. We both had jobs and had a new house! Life was fabulous. I found out when I was 5 weeks. I called the doctor and explained how I had a miscarriage before. They said to come after 6 weeks to possibly do an ultrasound. On the day after Christmas, I snuck out of the house to the doctor's appointment. I was excited because I thought they would do an early ultrasound. I was nervous, but not stressed. I met with the nurse practioner. She was very nice and answered a bunch of my questions. Then I asked about an ultrasound. She said I wouldn't be getting an ultrasound until 20 weeks.

To say I was disappointed would have understatement. She said I could come back at 11 weeks for a doppler scan. Fear, stress, and anxiety followed. She said I could try to find out how much an ultrasound cost without insurance. (I did call one day. It was $1000.) Therefore I had to wait 5 weeks, 5 long, miserable weeks and there might not even be a baby inside of me. Now there was just ANGER.

For the next three weeks I was depressed. I would wake up every morning and decide if I was pregnant or not. Last time my body gave me no signs anything was wrong. What am I suppose to feel like? I questioned myself all the time. Work days I was better, because I could focus on other things. Weekends were the hardest. Too much time to think. Around 9 weeks, I started to have some cramps. Nothing crazy and no discharge.  I didn't think much of it. At 10 1/2 weeks I stared to have brown discharge. I wasn't too concerned, but I called the nurse anyways. She said it is normal to have both of these things, but to come in anyways just in case.

Let Groundhog Day commence... 

I went into the doctor's office and the doctor used a doppler to see if she could a heartbeat. No heartbeat. I didn't freak out. I was almost 11 weeks so it is normal for some not to hear one at this stage. Off to ultrasound I went. My husband had to work and couldn't get off. It is funny because he worked at the same hospital I was at and was directly a floor down. 

Fate time. Was there a baby in my belly or just another empty sac? As soon as the ultrasound instrument touched my skin, my whole body started to shake. I grab the bar on the side of the hospital bed for dear life. I couldn't take it. I couldn't go through it again. The poor ultrasound tech asked if she was hurting me. I said no. It is just my mind going crazy. I couldn't stop shaking. I took deep breaths. It was one of most horrific moments of my life. At this hospital, the ultrasound tech can't tell you or show you what she found, but I knew. I looked at her face and it wasn't one of happiness. I knew if there was a baby, there would have been a smile or she would have taken me out of my misery. I had to walk alone back to the doctor's office and await my fate.

The Klennex box with the same pattern as last time was handed to me as the doctor said there was no heartbeat. I still had the box from last time in my car. 

Twice.

Three days later I had another d & c. I just wanted it over. 

Today marks two weeks since my d & c. 

I remember thinking after this past miscarriage about the fairness of life. I felt like it was unfair that I had to go through this not once, but twice. Then I thought about the word fair. Fair is often paired with the word equal. It must be fair and equal. I thought about my life and it is pretty great. I have a loving husband, a cuddly dog, a great house, a fabulous job, and a serene new hometown near the water. If you looked at a scale, my life would not be an equal balance of good and bad. It would be overwhelming great.

Therefore, I decide to be as positive as I could about this situation. Trust me I definitely have my moments, but I think how lucky I am to have all the wonderful people I do have in my life. I am not taking my life for granted as much as I did before.

I am such a control-freak. Whatever I do, I like to do my very best. It is so hard for me to not be able to control the destiny of having a child. Therefore, I took some books out of the library of increasing fertility. It gives tips on things that I can do to increase pregnancy. I am not sure if they are going to work, but I might as well give it a try. One big thing I need to change is my nutrition. According to the book I need to change the food I eat to be more fruits and vegetables. I am good with fruits, but not so much vegetables. I also have to limit fried food and animal by-products. If you know me, you know I am a meat and potatoes kind of girl. It also recommends drink tea especially green tea.

So I have decided to take these steps and more to make what seems to be a mission impossible turn into a mishion possible (my last name is Mish). Follow my journey which will hopefully result in a baby someday...